Brands and agencies endlessly bang on about Apple’s brand in meetings. It’s boring. We think it’s time to to close the MacBook once and for all.

Here are some Apple theories we’ve overheard (and why they’re not true).

‘We’re trying to be thought leaders, like Apple.’
(They’re not – Apple hardly ever say or give opinions about anything.)

‘We want to shout about what we do, like Apple.’
(Again, they hardly ever say anything. They are good at keeping schtum and creating suspense so people sit up when they have got something to say – which is usually about their own products. And nothing else.)

‘We want our tone of voice to be like Apple.’
(Do you? Really? Can you remember their words? They don’t write very much.)

‘We want to be confident but not arrogant, like Apple.’
(Actually they are arrogant. They get away with it because they’re bloody good and not wishy-washy.)

‘We don’t want to be like Apple.’
(The brand doth protest too much.)

Actually the only theory about Apple that stands up is that they do their own thing really well.
(We bet they don’t go on about any other brands in their meetings.)